Five Honest Sexual Advice for Parents
The no-pants dance is performed often by the happiest couples.
The study of neuroscience is discovering some of the keys of finding and maintaining a lifelong interest, which is a rare occurrence in the world of science.
The good news is that just because you’ve been together for, you know, a long time doesn’t mean that your sexual spark has to die out. Statistics indicate that married individuals do the horizontal mambo more often than anybody else—which shouldn’t come as a surprise given that they invariably wind up in bed next to their spouse at the end of the night (first rule of sex: proximity is essential).
However, studies indicate that the longer we are married, the less often we cheat on our spouses. It’s obvious that being close to someone isn’t everything—even if you’re getting it on more often than your sex and the city pals, married sex may get stale over time for some couples.
The following are some ideas for bringing the va-voom back into your bedroom.
(1) Make a groaning sound.
Alternatively, speak plainly. It’s important to remember that getting what you desire is an important part of experiencing sexual pleasure. As desirable as it would be to have a spouse who is able to read your thoughts, such a relationship does not exist, particularly not in the opposite-sex variety.
Make things a little more exciting by infusing your relationship with some home-grown pornstar groaning to let your spouse know when he or she is doing it correctly. Try a little filthy language to give more direct recommendations or to laud past actions that you are hoping would be repeated if the “warmer… warmer…” method isn’t getting you anywhere. (Have you ever praised your children for their development attitude in a particular way? If you want a high-achieving husband, try it in bed with him.) To avoid blushing while thinking about speaking filthy words out loud, begin by whispering them to your companion first, then saying them aloud.
(2) Bring the situation to a close.
The Catch-22 is as follows: Most women say that they are too exhausted for sex because their husbands don’t recognize how difficult their lives are, which frequently includes doing the lion’s share of housework and childcare while also working outside of the home. If their husbands would just write them more love letters (any form of romance, love, or affection would suffice), do more housework (at the very least, don’t leave that pile of dirty laundry on the floor for me to pick up! ), and take the kids to school (don’t forget to bring food for the teacher appreciation pot-luck), they would have more energy for sex.
While women express grouchiness during dry periods, men claim that they’ll be inspired to write that love poetry as soon as they receive a tiny pickle tickle in their tummy.
Put an end to it, you two. The trick here is to figure out a method to feel good enough to carry out the act without making it dependent on your spouse altering anything about themselves. To put your own oxygen mask on first, to put it another way, to prepare yourself. What steps do YOU need to do in order to go to that location?
(3) Make use of the kitchen table.
Alternatively, you might take a shower. For the last million years, you’ve been doing it in the same spot. But admit it: the marital bed simply doesn’t seem the same once a baby has slept (and fed and pooped) in it for the first time.
According to research, a lack of novelty may be responsible for part of the decline in sexual activity. We humans get used to almost everything in our life; even things that we like may become humdrum after a while. We may be excited about the prospect of a brand-new vehicle, job, or just about anything else at first, but our nervous system quickly adjusts and the new item is no longer as exciting.
So get some new moves under your belt. Change things up by bringing in as much freshness as you possibly can. Change the location, the position, and even the music that you are playing (hint: Jazz aficionados have 30 percent more sex). Say something different.
(4) Eye Contact.
Eye contact is a powerful way for us to connect with one another on a deep level, and looking into your partner’s eyes may help you combine your physical connection with an emotional one.
Even while maintaining an eye-lock during love making may make us feel vulnerable, doing so helps to keep the neurological pathways that are necessary for intimacy open. In the event that opening your eyes makes it difficult for you to be in touch with your own sensations, consider slowing down the process. Before proceeding further, you should establish an emotional connection via foreplay.) If you aren’t already doing so, make an effort to keep your eyes open as you reach your climactic moment.
(5) Exhibit a sliver of compassion.
Also, be sure to take out the trash. Did you know that for the majority of couples, an equitable distribution of domestic work is more essential to their marital satisfaction than the presence of children? If your marriage is experiencing anger and frustration because of an unequal distribution of chores (and childcare), you may want to talk to your spouse.
The odds are that your anger is spilling over into your [perhaps meager] sex life if this is the case.
I’ll cover how to deal with an issue like this in one of my upcoming articles, but for this week, no matter which side of the chore war you’re on, show a little compassion towards your spouse in this area no matter what. What characteristics do you like about him or her? What can you do to assist him or her in reducing stress in his or her life, both practically and emotionally? When we “turn towards” our partners, as John Gottman describes it, we increase closeness and optimism in our relationships. And those two characteristics are beneficial in the bedroom.
Can Sexting Help You Feel More Satisfied in Your Relationship?
The negative aspects of sexting are often highlighted in the media. The public humiliation that occurs when teenagers and politicians are discovered sharing nude photos and filthy texts on their phones is well-documented. Moreover, their personal relationships may suffer as a result, as was the case with Anthony Weiner’s wife, who abandoned him when the New York Post revealed the disgraced politician’s compromising sexts.
Is there a good aspect to sexting, however? Do you think it has the potential to make adult relationships healthier and more satisfying? According to the studies conducted thus far, yes—but only under certain circumstances. It also claims that sexting has grown very popular in recent years.
In the words of Joe Currin, study coordinator at the Sexual Health Research Lab at Oklahoma State University, “sending someone a sext message isn’t that different from writing an explicit love letter in the 1800s.” “People’s behaviors are changing in response to the usage of modern technology. “We are only now able to express our sexuality in real time,” says the researcher.
In other words, what are the characteristics that differentiate between good and poor sexting? Here’s a list of things to do.
1. Consent that is enthusiastic
This should go without saying, but common sense and scientific evidence indicate that sexting should be reciprocal, passionate, and consenting. Sexting has earned a negative reputation in part because an excessive number of individuals get unsolicited and unwanted nude photographs. This is sexual harassment, not sexting, in the proper sense of the word, and it may be frightening.
In addition, people may be coerced into sending sext messages against their will, which may be connected to various forms of abuse. Approximately 1 in every 885 students questioned, the majority of whom were female, said that they had been forced at some time into sending sexual messages, according to a research published last month in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
Additionally, the researchers found a connection between forced sexting and “mental health symptoms, sexual difficulties, and attachment dysfunction,” leading them to label it as a type of intimate partner abuse. Coerced sexting, according to this and many other research released last year, may be a warning indication that the relationship may be characterized by physical coercion or even violence.
Sexting is only successful if the following three conditions are met.
Safety, respect, and communication on an emotional level
Sexting is not the same as sex in the sense that there is no direct physical contact between the bodies involved. It is, rather, the interaction of minds via the use of mobile phones. Just as sex thrives in environments of physical safety and respect, sexting requires a certain level of emotional safety in order for it to be beneficial to both parties. When that criterion is not met, sexting has a negative impact on the relationship.
This may seem to be a straightforward question, but the study shows some complex subtleties.
Sexting is more common among people who are concerned about appearing unattractive to their partners, according to a study published earlier this year. This suggests that while the messages are not necessarily coerced, they are exchanged solely for the purpose of pleasing a partner, rather than for the purpose of pleasing themselves. It also indicates that they were not secure enough in their relationship to simply say “no” to unwelcome sexual behavior at the time.
Currin and her colleagues discovered that heterosexual women experience a great deal of worry when they don’t want to respond to a sext — but lesbians and males do not experience this anxiety. Why? In part, this may be due to a woman’s desire, or desire not to, to adhere to a traditionally feminine ideal—what Currin calls a “controlling image”—which puts the urge to conform against the perception of sexts as just vulgar, according to Currin.
Because non-heterosexual people are already acting in opposition to what society expects them to do, Currin argues, “doing something else that isn’t bothering the other person” isn’t a problem for him.
According to this line of study, sexting should only take place within the framework of an honest, back-and-forth discussion with the other person. What is the true feeling of your spouse about sexting? What kind of sexts are permissible, and which ones are not, is a question. What conditions, if any, would allow for the sharing of photographs or text? Is there a kind of communication that makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable in any way? While it may not seem like much fun to have these kind of talks, their absence may cause a relationship to crumble.
This is particularly true when one partner has had negative experiences in the past or has an insecure attachment style.
Pay close attention to the attachment.
It is attachment theory, which refers to how our early connections with our parents may influence our adult relationships, that is the most intriguing aspect of sexting study. Intimacy comes naturally to individuals who have a secure attachment style as children, while those who develop an uneasy or even avoidant attachment style may have difficulty with closeness and collaboration.
Rob Weisskirch, a researcher at California State University, Monterey Bay, believes that sexting may assist a pair become more sensitive to one another. Numerous studies, on the other hand, have shown that it may also be a symptom of depression. Sexting is more common among individuals who are insecurely connected, according to this study, and it is linked with higher levels of relationship satisfaction for those who do so…. Researchers and therapists continue to disagree on why this is happening and what it implies.
According to Michelle Drouin, a psychologist at Indiana University, sexting isn’t always harmful to one’s health. Instead, individuals who wish to maintain a certain level of distance in their relationship (and women who prefer to keep partners closer) are more likely to utilize texting to satisfy their sexual demands.” Sexting may actually be beneficial to these people, since it may increase their sexual or relationship pleasure.”
Overall, it’s important to understand your own attachment type as well as that of your partner in this facet of a relationship, as it is in others. In Weisskirch’s words, “recognize the attachment pattern and search for methods to provide the input required.” One Hungarian research released last year discovered that our attachment style may extend to our connection with our phones, which is a coincidence.
Honesty, like the other things on this list, falls into the category of being apparent yet difficult to achieve. Deception when sexting seems to be prevalent among women, according to a number of studies—and this is particularly true for women who attempt to avoid emotional connection and intimacy, typically because of traumatic childhood experiences.
Researchers Michelle Drouin and colleagues discovered that almost half of the 155 heterosexual college students who participated in their research had exchanged false sexts, according to their findings in 2014. These were usually harmless or even fun falsehoods about what they were wearing or their level of arousal, and they were meant to amuse or titillate their sexual partners in some way. In general, women lied much more often than males, but this was especially true if they were anxiously attached, which meant they were concerned that their significant other would leave if he didn’t receive what he needed.
They explain that “lying while sexting, much as faking orgasm in a face-to-face setting, is more likely to occur among individuals who have insecure ties to their relationship partners.”
So, should you never lie while you’re sexting or something like that? What if, instead of making up sexual details and answers, you simply say, “I’m bored,” “I’m grocery shopping,” or “I’m wearing that pair of underwear that sags over my buttocks” instead of making up anything sexy? According to Drouin, it all comes down to personal preference.
“I discovered in a follow-up article I’ve completed but has not yet been published that many individuals believe sexting to be pure fiction,”
Drouin explains. Sexting is used to spice things up, and few people are honest about their activities, clothing, or plans for a romantic relationship with a partner. Additionally, the majority of individuals are aware of and anticipate that others are not being truthful while sexting.”
So, is it preferable to create a fantasy or to maintain things as they are? In terms of sexual limits as well as how genuine you want your contact to be, Drouin adds, “it all depends on your own boundaries.”
This brings us back to the topics of consent, safety, communication, and emotional well-being. As Drouin points out, “Sexting may be utilized to spice up a sexual connection, but if one partner or the other doesn’t feel like the communication is acceptable or genuine, it can also create problems in the relationship.” Sexting is most enjoyable when it is fun and creative. As long as everyone is aware of and willing to participate in the fantasy, it’s entertaining.
If they are not, it may have a negative impact on the relationship.
“I would advise that you proceed with care,” she continues. “Even better, have some sex instead. “Real closeness is much more satisfying than the kind that is mediated through computers.”
As a result of revelations that he had inappropriate online encounters with at least seven women, former congressman Anthony Weiner resigned when it was revealed that he had engaged in sexting.
Good news follows shortly afterwards.
An online study of 870 Americans, ranging in age from 18 to 82, was performed by Drexel University researchers, who found that higher levels of sexting, or the exchange of explicit messages or images via text messaging, were associated with greater levels of sexual satisfaction. Furthermore, according to the researchers, who presented their findings at the recent American Psychological Association meeting in Toronto, more sexting is linked with higher levels of relationship satisfaction among people who are in less committed relationships.
Psychologist Emily Stasko says, “To the best of our knowledge, this is the first research to address pleasure — both sexual and relational — as a result of sexting.” Stasko is a PhD student studying psychology. Pamela Geller, an associate professor of psychology at Drexel University, worked with Stasko on the research. According to our findings, sexting may have a role in the preservation of a happy, healthy, and sexually satisfying relationship.
In Toronto, the early findings of the study were presented at the American Psychological Association conference, and Stasko and Geller are now in the process of submitting a more complete paper on their findings to a peer-reviewed journal.
It is possible that since research participants were recruited online, they were more technologically savvy than the general population, according to Stasko’s findings. Besides that, they clicked on a link to take part in an online sexting survey, increasing the likelihood that they are especially prolific sexters.
Eighty-eight percent of the 870 participants had intercourse in the preceding year, with 82 percent having done so in the previous month. Intriguingly, the context in which sexting occurred was also discovered by the researchers: 74 percent of the participants had sexted in the context of a committed relationship, 43 percent had done so in a casual relationship, and only 12 percent had done so while involved in a cheating relationship.
For both more and less committed couples, according to Stasko, there was a significant association between increased sexting and increased sexual satisfaction.
According to the findings, the link between sexting and relationship satisfaction was more complicated. Sexting has been found to be associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction in all couples, with the exception of the most committed ones, according to research. No matter if the sexting was really wanted, it didn’t make a difference to the most committed of couples. Increased quantities of sexting were shown to be linked with higher levels of satisfaction in a relationship when sexting was generally favored by the public. Unwanted (but consenting) sexting at higher rates was shown to be linked with lower levels of overall relationship satisfaction.
I spoke with Bianca Klettke, a co-author on a 2014 review of sexting studies that appeared in Clinical Psychology Review, who explained to me in an email exchange that sexting has the potential to improve relationships, but that consent can be abused in these situations as well — for example, in the case of sexts being distributed after a relationship has ended.
In [the article that has received the greatest attention], 11 individuals were shot throughout the course of the weekend and into Sunday, including an 11-year-old who was injured when another child, aged 8, accidentally shot him […]
Klettke, an Australian professor at Deakin University, has also said that depression rates among teenagers are higher after the usage of sexting.
In the opinion of Stasko, it is still unclear if sexting results in higher sexual satisfaction or whether people who have stronger sexual connections are more likely to text.
Sexting, she thinks, may be included in couples therapy or individual therapy for those who want to enhance their sexual self-confidence if further study demonstrates that it has a positive impact on them.
According to Stasko, “in general, we don’t talk about sexting as something positive, so I think it will take more than one study to convince people that it may be something more than something dangerous or bad.” The research will take a novel approach, and I think this is the beginning of that approach.”
According to Stasko, since the study participants were recruited online, they may have been more technologically aware than the overall population. Furthermore, they clicked on a link to participate in a sexting survey, raising the possibility that they are particularly prolific sexters.
Eighty-eight percent of the 870 participants had sexted in the previous year, with 82 percent having done so during the last year. For the researchers, the context in which sexting occurred was more intriguing than the fact that it occurred: 74 percent of individuals had sexted in the setting of a committed relationship, 43 percent had sexted in a casual relationship, and just 12 percent had sexted in a cheating relationship.
It was found that the link between more sexting and greater sexual pleasure held true for both more and less committed couples, according to Stasko.
Sexting and relationship happiness had a more complex connection, according to the findings. Sexting was shown to be linked with greater levels of relationship satisfaction for all couples save the most devoted. It made a difference to the most devoted couples whether or not the sexting was really desired. When sexting was widely desired, greater amounts of sexting were associated with greater levels of relationship happiness. Greater levels of undesired (but consenting) sexting were associated with lower levels of relationship satisfaction, while lower levels of sexting were associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
The co-author of a 2014 review of the sexting studies that appeared in Clinical Psychology Review, Bianca Klettke, explained to me in an email exchange that sexting can have relationship-enhancing properties, but that consent can also be abused in these situations — for example, in the case of sexts that are distributed after a relationship has ended.
[The most widely read] 11 people were shot throughout the weekend and into Sunday, including an 11-year-old who was wounded when another kid, age 8, unintentionally shot him […]
Klettke, a professor at Deakin University in Australia, has said that the rates of depression among adolescents are greater when they engage in sexting.
According to Stasko, it is still unclear if sexting leads to greater sexual pleasure or whether individuals who have more satisfying sexual relationships are more prone to text.
If sexting is shown to have a beneficial effect in future research, she believes that it may be integrated into couples treatment or individual therapy for individuals who wish to improve their sexual self-confidence.
According to Stasko, “in general, we don’t speak about sexting as something good, so I believe it will take more than one research to persuade people that this may be anything other than something harmful or terrible.” “I believe this is the beginning of study on sexting that will take a different approach than previous studies.”